Not sure where I am going with this? My work may have tinges of darkness…not meant to be a negative…just enjoy exploring the many facets…including the depth of our unconscious…bringing the uneasy to the surface…the unthinkable…the guilty thoughts…they don’t seem so bad. Here is a quote…only because I have nothing witty to say….”I doubt if you know the effort it is to paint!…The trying and trying and trying again and again and oh, the failures, when you have to begin all over again!” - Mary Cassatt
Archive for March, 2008
Complicated Romance
31Mar08Moan In The Outbreath
28Mar08
Thinking about the outbreath…drifting in and out of the here and now…buddhist literature…too many syllables in the words…running deep for my grasp?…will have to figure it out through my art…zen by art…times like these you learn to live again…forgive and forgive again…my dog…falling in love with the roaming neighbor’s dog…impossible to stop the romance…someone else paint for me a picture of a sweet embrace…softens the weight of the world crashing down on my back…a moan returns me to the outbreath…. (7×7 watercolor and graphite on paper)
Sweet In Her Ways
27Mar08
I am in the throes of writing a business plan…mostly to get the images in my head onto paper and to satisfy requirements of small business grant…it is good for me…sorta makes it real…my thoughts become things…a tangible image to manipulate on paper…thus moves me one step closer…to reflect on the past year…tremendous inner spiritual growth…improved writing skills…although need much improvement…the confidence to write daily has increased…transformed my home into gallery…working studio space…living the life I always dreamed…on the verge of opening a small unconventional art shoppe. So what about the future…build an open studio in my attic with lots of big windows…especially on the south side overlooking the river…take advantage of that nice midday sun…somewhere private to be with my thoughts…paint…write…listen to music…have an office space..you know separate from my living room couch…accomplished so much more than I set out to do…exceeded my wildest expectations…made them real…believed in myself…equally as important got people to believe in me…art truly is putting yourself out there…discovered true love…myself…and the art of egolessness…oh so much to go on and on about…need to get outside in the fresh air…sorry for the self absorbing…sappy…pat on my back post… (7×7 watercolor and graphite on paper)
Perception Is Wrong
26Mar08
Isn’t it true our perceptions are all wrong…my perception completely altered compared to another…my advice to myself…stop looking…when a friend calls with the latest gossip…in her mind is horrifying…married men…4 ways…best friends…is this normal…try to find some spin in it…every side playing the devil’s advocate…like come on…everyone cheats…who is innocent…from an immoral thought…surely not me…guilty of my own sins…even those sins…compared to killing…in my mind are tame…here we go again…same old story…whose is wrong…baby well…who is right…another battle…another stupid war…somewhere along the line…I slip…and slip again…down to my knees…she is so pretty…he has…oh god…the insinuating smile…the one I like…everything in me is all tingly…in my insulated world…I take it…and the cycle happens again and again…the truth of the matter…I like it…yep…my perception is wrong…thus how I handle the truth…does anybody care…nope…nobody cares…what do I care…crazy suspicions…not for me to figure out… (7×7 watercolor and graphite on paper)
Flying Free
25Mar08
An ex boy once told me I could come back to visit him when I was sane…completely pissed off at this comment…let it fester…tried desperately in my mind to get back with him…calling…visiting…plane tickets…to say the least…so unsuccessful on my part…sadly lost touch with him…his friend told me he returned home to Ireland and happy in a relationship…atleast that was the last I heard…so where am I going with this…back to the sane comment…this one little comment…a pivotal life transformation…did not realize how needy I had become…wanting so badly his touch…his bed…that accent…those eyes…his sly way of dealing with me…mostly that look…the look that penetrated me every time…melting…and well have to mention the incestuous sisterly complicated history…but that is for another story…another blog post maybe. Is there a chance I see you again…if only to see that insinuating smile…the one that hides some secret knowledge that may be harmful or embarrassing…I lean forward in my cute way and smile shyly back…a simple innocent moment…to satisfy a balance…our connection meant something…laughing outloud…isn’t that it…a connection…as modest as it may be…yet that modesty…it meant something…all those pesky lusty feelings inside…let them be free…funny…after all that…still I loved him with as much passion…as when I miserably fixated on his uninterested ways…flying free… (7×7 watercolor and graphite on paper)
Won’t Be Made Useless
24Mar08
Proudly…I overcame the fear of mitre cuts…bevel cross cuts…the table saw rocks…the trim is cut and fits nicely into place…my angle dimensions were shockingly accurate…testimony to the vitality of an abstract geometric mind…today will prime and nail to wall…the room is looking mighty fine…kindness matters…thanks Jim for assisting me…and being a good sport. Coming full circle…identifying my emotional blocks…getting out of my stuckness…allowed me to move forward and put this construction project behind me. All the reactions…thoughts…words…images…memories…beliefs…manifested an entirely irrational and bizarre existence…thus my lesson in self discipline…ongoing self forgiveness…to disengage in every moment…only way to stop…release myself…shite I see…look what I have become…this is not who I am…I restate myself…I am one and equal…is it me or is earth school getting increasingly more difficult as speedily advance through the curriculum. Today’s lesson…say “I forgive myself”…5 times…feel the inner vibrations release pain. (7×7 watercolor and graphite on paper)
Peace Sign and Obama
22Mar08
Obama is shrinking in the new snow…fired up over the democrats…always fucking things up…pissed off over my man…Bill…trashing his legacy for the sake of Hill’s sleazy campaign…nervous for Obama…did not feel like painting…as my frame of mind…is panic right now…anxiety about doing the trimwork…I know I can do it…it is what lies afterwards…a fear…possibly…an artist block…atleast I am recognizing it…a year and half of hard work…leading up to this…fear of failure creeping in…failure…I can be humbled…in so many ways…says the girl who has it all…so she thought…
Enough of my bitterness…I am an auntie again…my sis had another baby girl…Rhiannon…received a call from my sister’s friend to hire me to shoot her wedding video…and a call from local art festival wanting me to do a booth for their exhibition…so things are happening for me…my episodes of stuckness are less and less…I was out with a friend last night…sharing one of my funny stories with her…we were just laughing…the really funny part is…I don’t make this stuff up…I am a magnet for interesting…obscure…laughing the whole time…. (photo of front yard)
What It’s Like To Be Me
21Mar08
new christine is gone…one am drunk again…to remember and another to forget…even when the memory is gone…oh oh my feelings are sooo important…easy patience…thinks of impossible things…quiet sensitivity…in my head…where is the world…in my hand…lucky sweetness in my desire…everything around me…energetic…captivated in my path…close my eyes…don’t look back…power to be…power to give…moves in her own way…so what is it like to be me…I don’t have a fucking clue. (7×7 watercolor and graphite on paper)
Don’t Look At Me
20Mar08
writing pages upon pages of fiction…trying to rid you of my thoughts…cleaning out my desk drawers…closet…making room in my personal space…came across journals from my marriage and divorce time…reading through them…pages and pages of words…desire gets you nowhere…lost and lonely…you had to know I was fond of you…regret when I do this purging…throwing out journals of my lifetime…the last time I did this was shortly after college…burning years of childhood and high school journals…I no longer recognize myself…and it freaks me out…affections gone away…so instead of saving…I purge…you are the reason why I am gone…and you are still there…I wish you well…and hope you find whatever your looking for…head out and hope for the best…start a new journal…a new beginning…(7×7 watercolor and graphite on paper)
A Constant Craving
19Mar08
This is my voice…these soft nudes…I should not write much…as words are not important here…the emotional response…to be with the people who understand me…the magic that happens in the vortex…a beautiful powerless hug…a constant craving…the need to vent…let out all the pain inside me…dissolving into compassion and love… (7×7 watercolor and graphite on paper)
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